


Magnolias for Illumi Zoldyck

by Anonymous



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:28:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25086184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He felt small when Zeno scooped him up. His cheek was still numb where he lay it on his grandfather’s shoulder. His small hands making fists in Zeno’s soaked, white shirt. He was cold, cold, cold. Cold and ashamed.
Kudos: 27
Collections: Anonymous





	Magnolias for Illumi Zoldyck

**Author's Note:**

> I will be updating the tags and warnings for this as I go along, but I promise you, this will not be a happy fic.
> 
> Dead Dove: Do Not Eat
> 
> I haven’t written anything in a long time, so constructive criticism is very much welcomed and appreciated. Comments are moderated because, I am scared, but you don’t have to be. I don’t bite.

He must have been about four; old enough to remember, but too young to recall the exact details. He doesn't remember how he got there, or much of what happened later. Whenever he thinks back to that day, (which isn’t that often) the most vivid sensations are the fingers gripped in his scalp, and the icy burn of the water on his skin and inside his lungs.

> He was with Zeno that day, learning to hold his breath. The air was chilly, as it often is on their estate in the mountains. Was it autumn? Was it spring? Was it early morning? Late evening? They were knee deep in the lake. Zeno’s knees anyway, Illumi wouldn’t have been as tall. Zeno kept talking to him calmly and firmly.
> 
> ‘Keep your throat closed. Breathe against it slightly to maintain pressure in your ears and nose. Don’t thrash about, you’ll use up the air in your lungs faster. Be calm. Slow your heart down. The more you practice the longer you’ll last.’
> 
> And then he’s being held under. The lake water was clean and clear. Illumi willed himself into calmness. He could open his eyes. He could see the familiar legs and sandaled feet about an arms-length away. He tried to count to a hundred slowly, but it wasn’t long before his lungs started to burn. 
> 
> ‘Just a little longer,’ he thought. ‘Grandpa will let me up soon.’ Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.
> 
> But the moment stretched on. His diaphragm was starting to spasm, and his heart was starting to speed up instead of beating slowly.
> 
> He reached up to the strong wrist above his head, tried to tell his grandfather that he needed a break, but the hand stayed firm. Illumi was starting to panic. He wasn’t going to last. He needed, he needed to get out. He needed air. He needed to breathe. He was about to open his mouth to scream when Zeno finally yanked his head above the water. 
> 
> Illumi could barely hear him over his own coughing and spluttering. Thankful as he was for the air, it hurt the back of his throat to breathe it in. Zeno was holding him up so he could gulp in the air. Illumi’s toes were barely grazing the lake bed, but Zeno kept his head safely over the water. The grip was painful, but it was keeping him safe. Zeno was keeping him safe.
> 
> ‘I told you to stay calm. Are you listening, boy? You barely lasted a minute. Illumi, pay attention. Again.’
> 
> And Illumi was back under. He didn’t manage to fill his lungs properly before being plunged back in, but he tried his best to keep still. He let his limbs go limp. He focused on his heart beat. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.
> 
> He didn’t last long. Pretty soon he was back in the air, feet dangling, water running down his face. He hoped it was water. He didn’t want to give Zeno any more reasons to be annoyed. Zeno was talking, but he couldn’t focus.
> 
> And then he was back under.
> 
> It went on for a while. The amount of time he could remain still getting progressively shorter. Zeno was becoming increasingly irritated. His voice was clipped. Illumi couldn’t hear him over the pounding in his ears. Each heartbeat was a loud whoosh. He could feel it pulsing in his neck, he could see it behind his eyes.
> 
> This time Zeno didn’t give him time for more than a few gasps before thrusting him back in. Illumi swallowed cold water the moment he went under. He didn’t have any breath to hold. He fought and thrashed, felt the dull impact of his knees on the gravelly lake bottom, scraped his palms. His eyes were open but he couldn’t see. Everything was dark. His lungs were burning. His face felt bloated from the water he’d inhaled. But the hand in his scalp refused to budge.
> 
> Illumi tried. He tried to calm down, but his head throbbed. He tried to stay still but his chest was spasming. He tried to push up from the lake bottom, but he couldn’t move the hand above him. He felt his arms getting weaker. He felt his legs going numb. A cold pressure was enveloping him from all sides, wrapping him up and slowly squeezing him until he couldn’t move anymore.
> 
> Illumi Zoldyck was four the first time he died. Drowned in the lake on their family estate.
> 
> The shock of his Grandfather’s nen flowing through him jump started his heart. He twitched so hard, he smacked the back of his head against the ground. Illumi coughed until he couldn’t deny the tears flowing down his face anymore. He was throwing up water. He was shivering. He was cold, whimpering in Zeno’s shadow. 
> 
> Zeno’s sighed with barely concealed exasperation. Illumi knew he had failed.
> 
> ‘Well, come on,’ His grandfather’s voice was resigned. ‘Lets go home.’
> 
> He felt small when Zeno scooped him up. His cheek was still numb where he lay it on his grandfather’s shoulder. His small hands making fists in Zeno’s soaked, white shirt. He was cold, cold, cold. Cold and ashamed.

Illumi thinks back to that time infrequently now, but he knows that that must have been the moment when Zeno decided he was _unworthy_.


End file.
